the idiots in HackSoc
13/01/2018
I woke up one morning and decided that today was the day I was going to speak to a girl. It had often ended in humilation on previous attempts, but this morning I fancied my chances. I turned up to his house and knocked on the front door, holding my breath. The door opened, yet no-one was inside, just piles and piles of Settlers of Catan boxes. They smiled, took a deep breath and screamed DO YOU KNOW DE WAE MA BRUDDER? He said. I don’t care about your snotty way or your girly screams. Fite me. He stormed out, leaving me alone in the room to hold back the tears. I’d never been hurt like that before. How could he depart like this, when he knew I loved him so? No, this could not be. I ran out of the room in hot pursuit of him (in more ways than one). I screamed at him at the top of my lungs, ”ROCK ME UP DADDY!” As my father stoned me to near death, I felt bliss, as if eternal peace had come to my soul. I had been dead inside for a number of months, and this union of outside and inside would be a fitting solution to my problem. I pulled my insides out my nose... What I found was not only disgusting... but slightly arousing, to such an extent... that my hard schlong could do nothing but throb at the thought of it... however exactly what it was, I had no idea! I began rubbing it up and down, despite the horrors that appeared in front of me, I wondered if it would feel different. After about a minute, I felt the ground start to shake... The earth split between my legs, revealing a damp dark cavern below. As my legs parted across the gap, air rose through the newly formed passage and I could feel the intense moisture against my crotch. My thighs ached with the effort of holding myself up, but eventually I could hold it no longer. As my feet slipped on the crumbling rock, I swore and tumbled into the sub terranian cavern below... all the while cursing myself for having skipped leg day. But this misfortune was short lived, for despite feeling the injuries caused by crashing into the cavern floor, as my eyes slowly came back into focus, they rested on a vision of radiant beauty!
”SPIT ON HIM BRUDDERS!” came the echoing cries from inside the cavern. Realising what mortal danger I had been placed in, I ran in the opposite direction away from the cries. I grabbed the hand of my new companion. ”Hi,” she said, ”my name’s Jane.”. ”Wonderful to meet you,” I replied, adding ”I’m afraid I have a bad case of amnesia and have temporarily forgotten my real name. But once I remember, I shall tell you.” By now, we were running for our lives. ”DO YOU KNOW DA WAY?” came the hideous cries from deeper in the cave. It was at this point that Jane and I realised that neither of us knew the way out. Turning the corner, Jane and I skidded to a halt as we were confronted by a towering abomination, saliva dripping from it’s gaping maw. We cowered as it opened it’s mouth and roared - ”QUEEEEEEEEN?” I literally shat myself. ”Oh dear,” I thought, ”this is going to require a bit more than a few Andrex wet wipes to clean up.” Meanwhile David approached me, and my mind was lost. All I could think of was chicken nuggets. But where was the ketchup? How could I be expected to enjoy my nugs without covering my supple hairless body in ketchup? Right on cue, one of the Ugandans came over, and with a low grunt excreted the sauce onto me. Being warmer than I expected, I quivered as it covered my torso. ”Thank you,” I breathed. He then rocketed into space using a sauce-powered engine and promptly exploded due to the different in pressure. As the spirit of our brave adventuring crackhead floated through galaxies they realised that this was it... the end was near... but wait... THERE WAS STILL SPACE COCK TO SUCK, SPACE CUM TO MILK, SPACE SHIRTS TO IRON... it was time to double dip baby! Back to life the adventure ventured, this time in the form of deformed worm. ”What the f” - Jane was cut off as a tentacle was shoved in her mouth, and she was whipped towards the writhing mass of limbs. Her eyes widened as a second tentacle darted towards her, but relaxed as it found it’s mark. Jane had never been more aroused by anything in her life. She couldn’t contain it anymore. And with that, so ended the most beautiful day of my life.
fin